The "No Offense" people

So don't you just hate it when someone who you already can hardly stand just pushes it over the edge by starting a sentence with "No offense but..."

Ex:

"no offense but those pants make your butt look big."

"no offense Taylor Swift but a monkey makes better music than you do and they play with their own poo."

"no offense but you shouldn't leave the house in that shirt. or at all for that matter.'

What do you mean no offense?! By saying "No offense" it actually has the opposite effect! I am going to take a lot of offense! because apparently you aren't man enough to say what you really feel. either way you are a douche. good job. mom must be so proud.

Cynics posing as Realist

So one of the most annoying type of douchebags are the kind who not only think that they know everything in the universe but they also have such a dim and sucky view of the world. They always put down your hopes and dreams, hate kittens, and try to protect you from the manbearpig.

They are the people who go around saying "I am real" or "i'm sorry but thats the truth!" they are the people that you just to punch in the face.

#5: talking to yourself in 3rd person

This has got to be one of the most annoying things in the world.

Don't you just hate when you go to a party and there's that one guy with the spiked and frosted tips who thinks that everybody loves him and the lovingly refers to himself as "The Chad" or "Bradimeister"? It gets worse when they actually talk to other people calling themselves that. It's always "The Brad is hungry" or "Bradimeister in the hizz-ouse!"

Don't do it. Just do not do it! Why?

1: people will get confused and think that you are having a rad bromance with some dude when in reality it's just with yourself.

2: No one cares

3:You are obviously overcompensating for something.

4: Nobody will date a guy called "The Juiceman."

#4: Old Man-esque

So there's this new douche fashion of dressing like your grandfather: the wearing of cardigans, smoking of pipes, and loafers.

Dear Old Man-esque Douchebags...

YOU ARE NOT AN OLD MAN! YOU DO NOT NEED THAT CANE TO WALK! YOU DO NOT HAVE GRANDCHILDREN OR LIVED DURING WORLD WAR II. YOU ARE JUST A DOUCHE!


Cardigans are for women and old men, pipes don;t make you look cool, and loafers are just...ugly. Just give it 40 or so years. you'll grow into it.

Time and Place

Today, we are looking into yet another EXTREME douche tendency: wearing things
when it is NOT the right time or place to wear them.

First we will look at sunglasses. Now sunglasses are a very helpful, and fashionable
thing to wear! But ladies and gentlemen, there is an appropriate time and place to
wear them. For instance, when you're outside!!!! Unless you have super extremely
sensitive eyes, fluorescent bulbs are NOT that bright so DO NOT wear them inside.
They may make you feel cool, but in all reality you look like a gigantic tool! Stop it!




Next we'll examine, a semi-fashionable piece: the sweater vest. They only work as a fashion statement if you are 80 and you golf. Even then they are completely hideous. Let's dissect this, shall we? Sweater, a garment used to keep you warm in the COLD. Vest, a garment usually worn in formal occasions. When combined you should only wear these when it is COLD and a formal affair. DO NOT wear them if it is 80 degrees and mid-August, not only is that douche-y it is flat out DUMB! So please avoid this! You look like you're going to play with your grandma!


Forewarning: If you do wear sweater vests, DO NOT WEAR THEM WITH SHORT SLEEVED SHIRTS!!!! FOR EXAMPLE LOOK AT THE DOUCHE TO THE LEFT

Finally, we're going to look at spray tans. These should be avoided at all cost, because you don't look attractive, you look like a carrot. People are not attracted to veggies, sorry. If you are going to get a spray do not do so, in the winter! If it is 50 degrees and you look like an oompa loompa, you my friend are a douche. Who are you trying to impress with that? Seriously. Avoid spray tans, or just get "DOUCHE" tattooed on your forehead, it is essentially giving off the same message.

Sincerely,
Your friends @ Douche Blog

#2: Popped Collars

This is one of the most douchest things a person could do!


Pop their collar!


It's just dumb and the only people you really see do it are Jersey Shore juiceheads or preppy frat boys (and the occasional K-Fed wannabe).

Why is it dumb you ask?

#1: The whole point of a collar is to put it down.
#2: You look like Dracula.
#3: For some reason they always wear a pink shirt when they pop the collar.

Douchebags of the world. Stop it. I hate Polos.

#1: Smart Idiots

Everyone knows someone like this! You either keep them around for a good laugh or you try to avoid them and hope they aren't your lab partner.

There are 2 types of Smart idiots:

#1:
A Smart Idiot is someone who thinks they know everything there is to know about everything but they really know nothing at all. If you ask them what nudiustertian means they would probably tell you its a small rodent (its not, it means the day before yesterday). But you can always learn to have fun with them and their lack of knowledge!


#2:


This is the Smart Idiot that has done countless years of schooling and/or love to watch the History/NatGeo/Discovery channel and claim to be pretty freakin' smart. They are they just have no real world skills and probably can't make it in the real world. These are the guys who look like they live with mom that sit in front of you in class and answer everything and try so hard to out do the teacher (who just wants them to shut up).


Where would the world be without Smart Idiots? There would be no one to run the government!